I’ve been doing a lot of re-writing when I came across this post written in August of 2017 and I wasn’t sure if I should share it again but as I kept reading, I decided to re-post it in its entirety. Maybe there’s someone feeling some of the same things I was and need encouragement. I’m happy to share my life’s lessons and testimonies too, we need to know we’re not alone on earth. So, here’s the post.
I like writing encouraging and helpful posts, but at the same time I want to be real. Everyday is not a happy, happy day and my life isn’t joyful and positive all the time. I hope if you decide to read this, that you’ll understand where I’m coming from and maybe you’ll even be able to relate. Perhaps you’ll see a little of yourself here. And in the end of this post, I hope that you will have a little more hope too.
We all make and have made mistakes. Sometimes, those choices last over years and don’t go away…right away. They linger a long time even when we’ve learned our lesson and tried to move forward. There might even be a domino affect that rolls down on others in our life whom we love. Depending on the severity of the decision, the repercussions can be really bad and even lead to catastrophe. I’m one of those people who made some very bad choices in my 20s and 30s that brought some terrible consequences to me. I brought all this to The Lord when I got saved so most days I don’t think much about my past and I really try not to park myself there. But today almost sent me back down a dark place. We had a situation occur that was a reminder to me that I should have saved my money, worked my credit differently and then I would be living better.
I don’t like to make mistakes now as an adult, but when I was younger I wasn’t thinking about 30 years down the road. I didn’t care about the future! I wanted it “right now”! Who could have known that my choices then regarding my finances would bring about so much stress now? We think we’re invincible when we’re young. To be really transparent, I didn’t think I would live to see 50, because I was living such a fast and reckless lifestyle. Surprise! I’m well past 50 and looking back I see where I went wrong. And, I pray everyday that I can move past it, make better choices, and hope for the better. I know I’m not the same person I used to be.
Let me tell you, bad financial decisions is just as horrible as committing a crime and being sent to jail. We’re not in a physical jail, no, but it is an emotional jail. The harder hubby and I work, the harder it is to get ahead. I would wonder will our life ever get better? My husband can relate cause he also didn’t make the best financial choices when he was younger. We really don’t want much out of this life anymore, but it seems the usual things you desire as a married couple are just a myth for us.
But God always has a Plan.
Anyhoo…after what happened today, I suffered a major panic attack. Hubby took me out to get away for awhile. I couldn’t stop crying. I’m so thankful that he didn’t panic trying to calm me down. He was an angel to me. He reminded me of how God has been good to us and how much He has blessed us. Granted, nobody is without problems, but the focus shouldn’t be there, it should be on the blessings. It was hard to receive that until we prayed and God spoke to hubby’s heart…He said, “This is NOT Permanent! I’m working this out.” I was feeling stuck. Like, “will this ever change?“, “does God even care?” I’ve been praying for His mercy on us because how can God send us all the way from Florida to Oregon just so that our lives are no better? If that were the case, we could have stayed where we were. But God always has a plan.
As we prayed, I heard His small, still voice speak to me to not to give up hope and to give Him the chance to change our life together. It was a sweet presence is all I can say to try to describe it. It just felt like someone touched my heart and slowed its beat so that I would be calm and peaceful. We went to the ocean where both of us have found so much solace and felt God’s presence very strongly.
I wasn’t really sure if I should share this post because of how raw it is, but I changed my mind. I’ll be able to go back and re-read it as a reminder of God spoke to us. I now look ahead with more confidence knowing we are not stuck. We are not beyond hope. We are not at the bottom of the totem pole. We are not worth helping. We are not alone. Jesus, who is God, said He would never leave us.
I love the ending of this so much that I had to read it over a few times to remember that even now, through a pandemic, natural disasters, political upheaval, racial unrest, there’s still a GOD in Heaven, still on the throne and still in control. I may not understand what He’s doing, but I know He has a Plan and you and I just need to trust His righteous right hand.