Don't Get Cold and Indifferent

Don’t Get Cold and Indifferent

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I remember a time when I was cold and indifferent to God. I didn’t think He loved me anymore and I didn’t want any more to do with Him. It was just after Shron (Sh-ron), my first husband died. He was my whole world at the time, a mistake.

Note to self: Never, I repeat NEVER let anyone or anything be everything to you ahead of God. He’s jealous!

That’s not why I lost him, I believe he was only meant for this world 28 years and he gave a lot in the last part of his life. He loved Jesus with his whole heart and I couldn’t have asked for a better friend and husband. We were best friends for three years but I was deeply in love with him. And he was with me too but we didn’t date each other. He was my first bible study teacher and his main goal was to help me, a new Christian, get close to Jesus. I will never forget our times together as we studied the Bible and witnessed to many people. We served in church together, I don’t think there was a day that we weren’t together doing something or going somewhere.

We left Chicago to pursue employment in Atlanta and we married soon after that. However, he had a terminal illness that he never told me. He was afraid he’d lose me but I would never had left him. I married him for better or worse. Well, the worse was not something I was prepared for. Only after 3 or 4 months of our marriage, his illness worsened and he died. I died too.

I asked God to take my life as I walked away in that hospital parking lot. But He did not.  

The next few years after that, I wandered around the world like a zombie. And, I was cold to God. My anger was deep, my pain was excruciating, and my bitterness acute. I suffered several months with insomnia and couldn’t keep my food down followed by several months of sleeping and depression.

I wanted nothing to do with a God who would let my husband die only seven months of marriage. I had been a Christian two years at the time and now I’m a widow at 27 years old. It would be 11 years later that I would come back to Jesus and church. The whole time I was outside the realm of His safety, He still loved me, kept me from terrible danger that I was putting my life in with partying. I thank Him everyday because I was in some really serious situations.

One time, I was in a car with drunk strangers and could have died. I was left stranded after being robbed. I should have been dead behind that incident but God still had something for me. There was still much to live for though I didn’t think so.  

I finally got sick of myself, I heard The Lord say clearly for me to give Him all my anger, hurt and pain. I prayed for the first time and God slowly helped me forgive and helped me accept Shron’s death. He also helped me love again and be loved again. The coldness I felt began to melt away like the wicked witch of the west!  

This whole experience got me thinking of how we can become cold to God and the things of God if we’re not careful and you don’t need to experience a life-changing trauma either. We can become so accustomed to God, church and ministry duties that we lose a little bit of that love that first brought us to the cross. We have to be very careful that we don’t go to this place, because apart from God we can do nothing.

It really is hard to go through disappointments such as this, but I have learned that God was crying right along with me, He was hurt too. He didn’t want to see me hurt. Death is the result of a sinful world but when we give our life to Jesus, it takes on a new meaning. It doesn’t mean the very end.

I will see my Shron again, but while I’m still here on earth I’m able to love my second hubby, Ken, as well as serve Jesus until my work is done. He really can and will take our hurts away IF we will allow Him to.

Do I miss Shron? Do I think of him? Yes, I will never forget him and it would be unfair to him if I did.

And Ken would never expect me to completely put Shron out of my heart nor would he want me to build a shrine to him either. The love I have for Shron will never cease, but I have learned that there’s another special part in my heart just for Ken.

I’m a blessed woman to have found two men of God who loved and love me completely. There is life after death…for sure.

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Kim McDougal

Kim is the founder and creator of Growing Up in Grace. By day, she's the Director of Interactive Communications for the Hispanic chamber located in Jax, FL. Kim also owns "Kim's Studio Art" where she creates and sells Wall Art Printables and "Kim's Handcrafted Cards" on eBay where she creates and sells handmade greeting cards.